Recovering from Abuse
Child sexual abuse inflicts trauma that is difficult to recover from, which is why legislators and schools need to proactively take steps to prevent it. However, I want to reassure survivors that there is joy and hope on the other side of abuse and that you are not alone. Your abuser may have taken your innocence, but that doesn’t mean they get to take your future. I’m sharing a small bit of my recovery journey for those who may be on a similar one.
I was in my 30s and a stay-at-home mom when I finally realized that I had been sexually abused. I went to therapy to process what happened, and I eventually decided to make a delayed outcry because I was concerned that my abuser could harm someone else. It was difficult to accept that he did not love me but had manipulated and harmed me. Besides being my teacher, he used the fact that I was religious to get me to trust him even more, convincing me that he was a religious role model as well. This created additional confusion to wade through after the fact.
I had difficulty finding resources that both dignified the suffering of abuse but also spoke of the goodness of God. Many resources on abuse were helpful to put words to the pain and confusion I had experienced, but they did not acknowledge religion, or if it was mentioned, it was in a negative light. I eventually found Suffering and the Heart of God by Diane Langberg, which helped me understand that the suffering of Jesus Christ showed God’s goodness and compassion. He saw me, cared for me, and left heaven to suffer and die for all people.
Ultimately, I had to come to grips with the fact that someone who claimed to follow God hurt me, but that God did not cause that suffering, nor did he approve of it. The book of 1 John discusses the contrast of those who go on sinning versus those who practice righteousness. It clarifies that the way to tell if someone is following God is not what that person says but how they live, which helped me understand that my abuser was not representing nor following God when he used religion to manipulate and abuse me.
The last chapters of Genesis recount the evil done to Joseph and how God used it for good (see especially Genesis 50:20). I have comfort knowing that God can take what my abuser meant for evil and use it for good. My suffering was not in vain, and even though God did not cause it, he can use it to prevent that same suffering for other children, who have no voice and no way of protecting themselves.
Do I still get sad and cry at times? Yes. Do I still feel anger? Yes. But I have chosen to channel that anger into advocacy, as an outlet that is both redemptive and constructive. Yes, the work is hard. Yes, the work is triggering. It’s heartbreaking to hear the ongoing stories of children still being abused in school settings—but I have power to speak up, and they don’t. My innocence was taken, but theirs doesn’t have to be. My little candle was snuffed out, but now another light burns all the brighter.
One of my favorite song lyrics is “I will take these broken wings and watch me burn across the sky” (Naomi Scott, “Speechless”). Although the abuse broke me, I do not have to let it take my future—I can be strong and overcome with God’s help and the support of those who care for me, because I am no longer alone and trapped. I am surrounded by family and friends, and I have the power to act.
I am not suggesting that all survivors take the same path I took. They have already been subjected to a harm, and they don’t owe the world anything. They need support and compassion and friends and family who will suffer alongside them and reassure them they are not alone. But I am and forever will be grateful that in my lifetime I have been able to see good come from what another meant for evil, and I think it’s important to recognize that righteous anger can bring bitterness and despair or be channeled and addressed in a way that allows healing and hope.
Recovery from abuse is personal and may look different for every survivor, but all of us need others to support us along the way. If you are the friend of an adult who was abused as a child, give them space to grieve when they need it, let them know they are not alone, and remind them there is hope so that they don’t succumb to despair. As summarized from the intro episode of Blooming After Grooming, a survivor-led podcast: Things may get worse before they get better, but the right people stick around. Be one of those people.
In addition to knowing that I am not alone, another step that has helped me recover is actively dwelling in nature, because it contains beauty unharmed by child abuse. Walking outside is a reminder that despite the awful harm in this world that comes from human choices, there is still beauty all around us, put there by a God who loves us. I’m encouraged by Romans 12:21: “Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.”
I recently took up birding, and it has been especially comforting on days where prevention work is overwhelming. I’m grateful for my fellow survivors and advocates, family and friends, but I’m also grateful that there is beauty all around me that child abuse cannot touch. I’m not saying birding is for you, but if you’re a survivor, find something that brings you joy. Allow yourself to enjoy the beauty and goodness of life, and don’t let the shadow of abuse overtake your future. Focus on the good and connect with those who care so that pain doesn’t lead to despair. All of us can find hope and joy despite the destruction caused by our abusers.
Below are some books I have found helpful to understand the impact of trauma. (Note: These books discuss child abuse and could be triggering for survivors.)
- Suffering and the Heart of God by Langberg
- The Body Keeps the Score by van der Kolk
- Trauma and Recovery by Herman
- The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog by Perry and Szalavitz
- The Deepest Well by Burke Harris
National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673
Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: 988
If you suspect child abuse, report it to the proper authorities. And if you have been victimized, know that you are not alone and that there is hope.